


Last Name

by Uzumi



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Humor, alcohol mention, but not really because TECHNICALLY it doesn't contradict canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-20 13:31:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17023500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Uzumi/pseuds/Uzumi
Summary: This is a story about how a bunch of idiots lost their surnames.





	Last Name

**Author's Note:**

> Writing dialogue between 7 people is hell.

Taako was searching for his sister. Again. He knew she spent most of her time with Barry practising their contribution. Normally, he'd be excited about the two of them getting close and spending time together. After 47 cycles he knew Barry made his sister happy. Still, he missed spending time with her especially in such a peaceful cycle. It shouldn't be that hard to find them. They were doing a duet that included a piano, there's only so many available pianos in the Legato conservatory.

It was evening by the time he found them in the non-musical department in a smallish room with terrible acoustics.

“Fucking finally!” Taako made his grand entrance, “Hide 'n’ Seek is over. Found you, I won!”

“Hey Taako,” Lup had the gall to greet him casually as if it hadn’t been weeks since the last time they saw each other.

“Morning! Eh… Good afternoon. Evening?” said Barry increasingly confused.

“Shit, is it evening already?”

“Yes!” said Taako, “and you know what that means?”

Taako walked into the room to take Lup's violin and put it away. She tried to argue with him but Taako shushed her.

“Time for dinner?” tried Barry.

“Good one actually. We're getting something to-go. Ain't no wasting time on cooking today,” said Taako while pushing Lup towards the door.

“Hey! We weren't done for today,” Taako ignored Lup's complaints, “and since when is cooking a waste of time!”

“Today, dear sweet baby sister, we're going to get fucking blasted and ignore our work.”

That's what made her push back against Taako. “Hate to disappoint, dearest little brother, but we're not getting drunk. Right, Barry?”

“Uhm,” Barry did not like getting between the twins. Arguing with them has become easier with time. He was familiar enough to know when they're joke-arguing or how to stop a fight from happening. But right now? He was exhausted. Lup and him had been working on their duet tirelessly for months. It was a nice change compared to their usual work, but it was still exhausting. “Eating takeout and getting drunk sounds pretty good to me.”

Lup mouthed “traitor” while Taako ran over to give him a high five.

Fast forward to the Starblaster, the whole crew was sitting around the table in the common area. Takeout containers were stacked on top of each other with various bottles that used to hold alcoholic beverages scattered around them. Merle showed off one of his interpretative dances which made everyone regret not being drunk enough to forget.

“So I've got an idea,” said tipsy Taako to a bunch of other tipsy people. Never a good start. “Y'all are putting like way too much work into your submissions.”

Davenport groaned.

“Not everyone is such a natural talent as you are,” said Lucretia with an eyeroll.

“Except!” started Taako.

“Except?” asked Lup.

“We've all done some amazing shit, right? Travelling planes and I'm like the best wizard ever?” Taako gestured widely to bring his point across. “We shouldn't have to create shit, we're already a masterpiece!”

“What do you suggest?” Magnus was already on board with whatever it would be.

“We'll just throw in our names!”

Magnus shouted “Hell yeah!” without even thinking while the others took a bit more time to consider it.

“Fuck yeah!” exclaimed Lup, “we should be fucking famous!”

Lucretia was a lot more cautious about this idea. “We will lose our names if this doesn't work.”

“We could use our last names only,” said the guy named Barry Bluejeans.

“Let’s put it to a vote,” said Davenport.

“I'm not voting my name away!” Lucretia was incredulous that they considered doing this.

“C’mon Lucretia,” said Lup with the biggest grin, “you already made a name for yourself, you'll be fine! And that's like, an easy contribution.”

“Eh, it's just a name. Why not?” said Merle.

Magnus was more understanding. “You don't have to participate. You can do your normal submission.”

Lucretia thought about it. It would be more reasonable to not risk her own name. To only risk the painting she was drawing. But at the same time… this sounded pretty fun. Magnus, Lup and Taako were already hyped about the idea. Merle had brought paper for everyone to write their surname on. Even Davenport seemed to enjoy it, although it was most likely due to the camaraderie they were showing. She sighed. Merle was right, it was just a name.

She grabbed a paper for herself and the others cheered.

“So obviously we can't do that during a normal ceremony,” said Davenport.

“We have to sneak in!” Magnus was getting more and more excited.

“Let's do this,” Davenport had a mischievous grin.

Getting to the clearing with the ceremonial cave was pretty easy. Apparently, people didn't care if you submitted something outside of the normal ceremony. They stood around the pedestal at the mouth of the cave where people have placed their offerings. Davenport was about to ask who wanted to go first, but Magnus had already slapped a sheet on the pedestal with “Burnsides” written on it. A flash of light consumes it and with a dull roar the paper is gone. For a brief moment Magnus Burnsides was just Magnus. 

Then the light appeared again, broadcasting his name to the whole planar system. Magnus and the twins started cheering. Merle said, “You know, someone on this planet was just about to orgasm when they heard your name.”

“Ew!” came from multiple directions at the same time.

“You're next because of this!” said Taako.

“Fine, fine.”

Merle walked forward and put his name on the pedestal. The process repeated itself and suddenly, Merle lost his— wait.

“I still remember your last name,” said Lucretia.

“Yeah, it's Merle Highchurch,” confirmed Barry.

“What did I write on that paper!?”

There was a light and everyone had the same thought: “Hightower”.

The crew lost it. Not only had Merle used the wrong name, again, the Light of Creation thought that it was a name worth broadcasting. Fucking perfect. This was going to end well.

“I’m going next! Waiting makes me way too nervous.” Lucretia stepped to the pedestal while the rest was still laughing and placed her sheet of paper on the pedestal. If the Light accepted Merle’s fake name, then it sure would accept her real one?

There was no second light by the time everyone had calmed down. They were nervously looking into the cave, waiting for the name to reappear in their mind. Magnus was the one to break the silence.

“Hey Lucretia, like, I know I won’t be able to remember your name now. But I’m actually not sure if I ever knew it? When I forgot my own last name I knew something was off about just “Magnus”, but I don’t think I ever knew your full name.”

The others gave a kind of confused “yeah”.

“I’ve never introduced myself with my full name?” she asked and started laughing when the others shook their head.

“I think I saw it on one of your files…” said Davenport cautiously. It had been nearly 50 years since he sorted through the IPRE applications, he was sure Lucretia’s full name was on it but he couldn’t really remember it. Well, he wouldn’t be able to remember it either way.

“That’s what I get for being a ghost-writer by trade!”, she took it with surprising stride. Nothing lost if she never used her last name anyway. Lup clapped on her back with a smile and Taako said, “Davenport, you’re the only one who actually forgot her name. So you’re next!”

“This doesn’t make any sense,” he said while already walking towards it.

“Wait, you have a very common surname. Will everyone with that name forget theirs?”, asked Barry the very sensible question. Davenport, with a grin of someone who had watched multiple worlds burn, placed his name on the pedestal. The Light gladly accepted the offering with another dull roar. Everyone patiently waited for the second flash of light but like with Lucretia it simply never came.

“So,” said Barry.

“So,” repeated Davenport.

“How many people had that last name?”, snickered Magnus.

“I can’t remember half of my students’ names,” said Taako without any remorse.

“You don’t remember any of your students’ names!”, said Lup.

“I don’t remember half of my student’s names, either,” said Merle with more remorse than Taako.

“You don’t remember your own name!” Lup was getting exasperated.

“My instructor had the same last name as Davenport,” Lucretia intended to say it with a straight face but she couldn’t help the grin spreading on her face. This situation was a lot funnier than it had any right to be and she absolutely blamed it on the alcohol. (Despite none of them being tipsy anymore.)

“Sooo two last names remaining,” Lup leaned against her twin.

“Usually, I’d say we’re the highlight of the show and should go last.”

“But Barry? Babe? Your last name is Bluejeans. We pick our battles and this isn’t a competition we can win.”

“I didn’t know it was a competition?” Barry was confused but stepped away to give the twins access to the pedestal. Both offered the piece of paper together and the Light accepted it. For the third time in a row, the cave did not give a second flash of light. The rest of the crew were thinking of a joke to make the situation more lighthearted, but found out this wasn’t necessary.

“Fuck yeah!”, Taako punched the air in excitement.

“I got to pick my first name and now my last name? Fucking rad!”

“Dibs on From T.V.”

“We’re not calling ourselves From T.V.!”

“Did you drag us here to erase your own surname?”, interrupted Davenport.

“Nah,” replied Taako.

“Just a fun side-effect,” continued Lup.

“Either we’d get famous or get to pick a new name.”

“Win-win!”

Davenport sighed but everyone looked pretty happy with the outcome. Not much was known about the twin’s past, but it was very obvious that they didn’t connect a lot of fond memories with their old surname.

“It’s my turn, I guess?”

Just as Barry submitted his own last name to the Light, a group of people stormed into the clearing. They recognised Chancellor Marlow who was about to ask them what the fuck they were doing, when a flash of light erupted from the cave.

“Bluejeans” was broadcasted to every person on this plane and the Starblaster crew lost it the second time today.

**Author's Note:**

> Every character who doesn’t have a last name used to have a really common name. The same name that Davenport fed to the Legato voidfish. Well done, Davenport.
> 
> Shoutout to the [TAZscripts](http://tazscripts.tumblr.com/) Discord for giving me this idea.


End file.
